Because it’s not a platform. It’s a personality test in disguise.

Welcome to my four-part survival guide through the digital jungle that is LinkedIn – where every “connection request” has subtext and everyone is “thrilled to announce” something you’ll forget in five minutes.

Part I – The Performers

Spotlight addicts. Content evangelists. “Humbled to share” hustlers.
They speak in Canva templates and motivational clichés. Thought leaders, selfie-posters, award collectors – they’re not here to connect. They’re here to broadcast.

Part II – The Strategists

Lurkers. Networkers. Digital puppeteers.
They post sparingly (or never), but they’re always watching. Whether job-hunting in stealth or dropping comments like tactical landmines, these folks play the long game.

Part III – The Survivors

Burnt-out, bootstrapped, barely hanging on.
These are the real ones – the over-sharers, the under-recognised, and the beautifully unfiltered souls who treat LinkedIn like a public diary.

Part IV Bonus Archetypes – the challenging ones

The Expansion Pack No One Asked For – and Everyone Recognises
LinkedIn is a living, mutating ecosystem – and some species defy easy classification. They drift between roles, appear only in certain seasons, or exist purely to bend the rules of the game. This is where we’ll meet them. The outliers. The oddities. The ones you didn’t know existed until you saw them in your feed – and then couldn’t unsee.